the Thai tax system for foreigners

From the book Thailand Fever www.thailandfever.com
with kind permission of the authors

From the book “Thailand Fever” - a guide to Thai-Western relations
courtesy of the authors Chris Pirazzi and Vitida Vasant ISBN 978-1-887521-50-5
The book is written in German - and in Thai on the odd page.
Phuket Gazette comment: If you know a Thai-Western couple looking to get married, give them this book.
give them this book. If you're already married, read it for yourself.
The book is currently out of print and may be reprinted in electronic form.
Information http://www.thailandfever.com
Thai values (the Thai social system)

After just a few weeks in Thailand, we Westerners quickly realize that behind the beaming smiles,
the easygoing dispositions, McDonald's restaurants and Nike clothes, there is a universe unknown to us.
What is really going on here?

Generosity (Naam-jai)
It all starts with naam-jai, literally “juice of the heart” or “flow of the heart”.
While independence is at the core of Western self-esteem and image, Thais judge themselves and others in
themselves and others in Thai society by how much naam-jai they display. Naam-
jai means “generosity”, the desire to give others some of one's time, resources and attention
resources and attention to others, just for the sake of the good feeling that this creates in the
generated in the participants. A person who shows naam-jai will not ask for money or any other kind of payment in exchange for their generosity.
payment in exchange for their generosity. On the contrary, a Thai person will even feel uncomfortable
feel uncomfortable accepting payment for his generosity because it would look as if he is not showing goodwill towards the other person.
the other person not out of good will but for the sake of payment.
Thais also demonstrate naam-jai every time they show concern for the welfare of another person.
person. So when Thais demonstrate naam-jai, they do not expect direct reimbursement
from the person they have helped, but they believe that generous thoughts and actions will be rewarded in the long run.
will be rewarded in the long run. This way of thinking is partly influenced by Buddhism.
In small rural farming villages, for example, a family that brings in fish from their pond or the harvest of a ripe
harvest of a ripe crop will share it with their neighbors without asking for payment, of course.
asking for payment. Many villages even practice a system of communal harvesting (long-
kèek), whereby the entire village community assists each individual with their harvest. When the
work is done, no payment is expected from the respective landowners, not even from farmers whose fields are much larger.
farmers whose fields are much larger than those of the others and therefore require more work. The
villagers do the work out of naam-jai and want to demonstrate this.

Thais will drop everything without thinking or talking about it when it comes to helping an orphaned niece
when it comes to coming to the aid of an orphaned niece or nephew (or even a child who is not related to them
a child who is not related to them but is known to them) by taking the child in permanently as their own.
as their own. They are also happy to welcome any adult relative into their home
who has no accommodation of their own, without ever asking for rent or how long they intend to stay.
how long the person in question intends to stay. Of course, such cases also occur in the West, but much more rarely.
rarer. Taking a new member, especially an adult, into one's own household
threatens the Westerner's highest values. He will have thoughts like the following:
- “A stranger in my house? What about my privacy?”
- “He'd better learn to stand on his own two feet instead of being a burden on me.”
- “That's his problem, not mine”
- “That's unfair; he's taking advantage of me.”
- “How will he ever be able to return this huge favor?”

Thais have similar thoughts, but the value of generosity is so strong that it more than outweighs the values of independence, privacy and fairness.
values of independence, privacy and fairness. It is therefore likely that
Thai people will take in a new member of their household simply out of compassion. For the
same reason, Thais also ask themselves: “Where on earth are the relatives of the homeless
wandering around the western cities?” If they are not exactly cosmopolitan,
the Thais you meet will assume that you are like them, and that you too
therefore derive most of your self-esteem from showing naam-jai.
For example, let's assume that your girlfriend is proud of you and wants to show you off as a generous person.
generous person. Without asking you directly, she will give you the opportunity to prove yourself as generous.
to prove yourself generous. For example, she might take you out to dinner with friends. She will not
say, “Pii Bob, would you mind paying for my friends?” Instead, she will
she will assume that as someone who has more money than her friends, you will want to show your generosity by
will want to prove your generosity by paying for all her friends.

Or she takes you on a shopping spree with the family, or mentions a relative who needs a loan,
who needs a loan in the hope of gaining your sympathy, and then leaves it up to you to prove your naam-jai
to prove your naam-jai. We Westerners hate this kind of behavior. For us, it is nothing more than
shameless manipulation. Does she see you as her “sugar daddy” or what?
Remember that in the eyes of a Thai, it gives a person self-esteem to be generous.
generosity. Your partner and her family are not trying to take advantage of you. They
behave in exactly the same way as a Thai man who they think is able and willing to help the family.
and willing to help the family.

Normally, her family will be poorer than yours, and you are aware that she will never be able to repay you
be able to pay you back anywhere near as much as you have already paid for her. They
will indeed always remember your generosity. Many a Westerner who
Westerners who struggle every day with the question of whether or not they are a “sugar daddy” will be extremely
be extremely surprised when the tables are turned and they find themselves at the receiving end of Naam-jai
that is, when he experiences generosity and care from his partner or her family in a way he never expected.
never expected way. We will look at this complex issue in more detail in Chapter 5, “Money and
Maintenance”, and get to know some specific examples.
We Westerners are taught from birth that we live in a merciless world where “life is not fair”, where no one does you any favors, and where “life is not fair”.
is not fair”, no one does you any favors and you have to fend for yourself. It is hard for us to believe that
a functioning society exists in which giving is more important than one's own independence or material success.
independence or material success. “So far, the only thing I see in this relationship is my
money swimming down the stream. Where is the guarantee that I will ever get any of it back?”

Sam-nük-bun-khun: debts honor thai-style
What makes a society based on naam-jai viable is the bun-khun system,
especially the value of sam-nük-bun-khun. Sam-nük-bun-khun is the balancing element that makes the system
makes the system work. To the same extent that Westerners are taught to be independent
Thais (and many other Asians) are brought up to be sam-nük-bun-khun from childhood.
from childhood. In simple terms, sam-nük-bun-khun means that you return a favor that
other people have done for you (in Western terms: honoring debts). But it is about
more than that. Let's assume that Lek, a senior employee at ABC, does his old friend
Gung a favor by getting him a job at his company.
Gung was brought up to be a sam-nük-bun-khun and will therefore
1. commit and make himself available to return Lek's favors when he needs something.
2. honor Lek's generosity (naam-jai) by showing him respect, consideration and consideration in word and deed.
3. occasionally remind oneself of both Lek's generosity and one's own obligation to return the favor.
Let's examine the process in detail:
1. Gung makes a commitment to lek and makes himself available if lek needs something.
something. Recall that Lek has shown his generosity (naam-jai) by helping Gung get a job without asking Gung for anything in return.
a job without asking anything in return from Gung. Gung will now
will now take the first possible opportunity to help Lek, even if it is something that Gung
is actually reluctant to do. For example, if Lek later asks Gung to do some unpaid overtime at the weekend
unpaid overtime at the weekend, Gung will happily say yes. Gung will
may even look for a way to help Lek with his work on his own initiative, even if Lek has not asked him to do so.
The obligation to repay a favor is guaranteed for Lek and other Thais,
who show naam-jai that their favor will be returned in some form. The current opportunity
for this reciprocation may never actually materialize, but the important thing is that the
commitment is there. For this reason, parents in Thai society can also
parents in Thai society can almost certainly rely on the children they have raised to take care of them in later life.
Gung honors Lek's generosity (Naam-jai) by showing him respect, esteem and consideration in word and deed.
in word and deed. Since generosity is the highest value in the Thai view, Gung will not only honor his debt to Lek, but also Lek himself.
honor his debt to Lek, but also Lek himself. For example, he will always be very polite
polite when he talks to Lek, giving him the best seat at his table, overlooking any mistakes Lek
mistakes Lek may make, and avoid hurting Lek's feelings or contradicting him, especially in public.
Gung occasionally remembers Lek's generous actions and his obligation to return the favor.
return the favor. This is the aspect of Sam-nük-bun-khun that we Westerners understand the least. Since
strive for independence, the idea of carrying around an unpaid debt goes against the grain, perhaps even creating guilt.
against the grain, perhaps even creates feelings of guilt. We may even avoid meeting a friend to whom we owe a debt.
we owe may even avoid meeting a friend. We prefer to pay our debts and then not think about them anymore.
think about it any more. If someone then accuses us of forgetting a debt and not paying it, we call this
we call it “instilling guilt”, which we see as unfair to us.
For Thais, on the other hand, this act is not associated with negative feelings. As they prefer to see the world as a
a web of interdependence rather than a random arrangement of independent individuals, they find it
natural for people to live with a multitude of outstanding debts from the day they are born!
from the day they are born! Gung, for example, believes that remembering his debt to Lek is the right thing to do, as it also reminds him
because it also reminds him that Lek cares about him. Gung increases his self-esteem by
honoring Lek and feeling obligated to return the favor.
Sam-nük-bun-khun is such a fundamental part of Thai culture that the concept is often
used to motivate people to do something. For example, when a temple holds an event
event that has the purpose of raising funds for the temple, the organizers will remind the
the organizers will remind visitors of how they have benefited from the temple and its facilities in the
the temple and its facilities in the past (marriages, funerals, etc.) to encourage them to support the temple now.
support the temple in turn. For us Westerners, this is also more about instilling a sense of guilt, whereas
feelings of guilt, whereas Thais take a positive view of it.
Another example of this can be found in slogans, lettering and songs used to motivate young social activists.
social activists. Let's say it's a campaign for the rights of farmers.
of farmers. In the West, it would probably look like this: “Support the ‘Help for Farmers’ project now!
Farmers” project now! Every single one counts!” In the broadest sense, this is an extension of the western concept
of independence. Thai activists, on the other hand, are more likely to be moved by rhetoric that reminds them
rhetoric that reminds them of their debt to the farmers who grow the rice that feeds them,
an extension of Sam-nük-bun-khun
Thai society forms a cycle of naam-jai and sam-nük-bun-khun. People
do each other favors out of naam-jai and therefore do not ask for a return favor.
favor. But those to whom a favor is done remember their debt (sam-nük-bun-
khun) and volunteer to return the favor. The system works
and society is stable, simply because the vast majority of Thai people honor the system and repay their debts!
and repay their debts! A Thai child who is taught sam-nük-bun-khun at school
only needs to look around him to realize that the system really exists and that good deeds are
actually exists and that good deeds usually come back to you.

A final example to illustrate the statements in this section: Let's assume that Gung
works overtime on one or two weekends, which is roughly equivalent to the time Lek
spent writing a letter of recommendation for Gung and getting him the job.
Now suppose Lek asks Gung to work overtime on many other weekends.
weekends. If Gung were a Westerner, this would upset him. He would think: “Wait a minute! I have
paid my debt - enough is enough! That's Lek's problem now, not mine. Now he's really taking advantage of me.
really taking advantage of me.” But Gung is Thai and will therefore appear on as many weekends as possible
as he also wants to show his naam-jai to Lek. Gung firmly believes that Lek will also
will also reciprocate Gung's good deeds if the balance shifts in his favor.

Gàt-dtan-yuu: The ultimate sam-nük-bun-khun
The ultimate sam-nük-bun-khun is called gàt-dtan-yuu and describes a feeling towards someone who
who has made an incomparable contribution to your life. In Thai culture, this includes your
definitely includes your father, your mother and your teachers. But it can also extend to other people
to whom you feel tremendously indebted, such as a doctor who operated on you and saved your life.
who operated on you and saved your life.
Gàt-dtan-yuu is a very serious matter. There is even a Thai proverb that says
people who make such incredibly valuable contributions become invulnerable to fire or water.
water. Those who do not honor Gàt-dtan-yuu or even harm other people who have done them much good are called
who have done them much good are called nee-rá-kun. Thais regard such behavior as deeply
disgraceful. Many religious Thais even regard it as the greatest possible sin. In the
Western world we occasionally hear of cases where children have abused or even killed their parents. For
Thai people find it impossible to believe that a child could do such a thing to its parents. Throughout their
Throughout their childhood, children are reminded over and over again of the sacrifices their parents make for them.

For example, every Thai child will be told about the pain their mother suffered during pregnancy
during pregnancy or how hard she had to work after giving birth to care for her child.
be able to care for her child. This is why Thais are very patient and forgiving with their parents, even if
parents lose control of themselves due to old age, illness, alcoholism or simply anger.
It's actually similar in the West, but in reverse. Western parents are expected to show their
unconditional love for their children. They can discipline their children, but it is considered
part of their parental duty that they put up with any misbehavior and disrespect from their children.
disrespect from their children. This Western concept is met with astonishment by Thais. Why should
parents have a duty to their children when they are the ones who gave them life and raised them?
and raised them?

The reason is that Westerners do not have the concept of Gàt-dtan-yuu. Parents are required to
to behave fairly towards their children. Western parents feel just as responsible
responsible for not “abandoning” their children in the same way that Thai children feel responsible for
feel responsible for looking after their parents. “After all, it's not like our child chose to be born.
chosen to be born,” the Western parents will think, ”so it would be unfair of us
to constantly get on their nerves about how much work it was to bring them up. We will end up
end up burdening the child with feelings of guilt. What kind of bad parents would we be then?”
Thai children who accept the responsibility of gàt-dtan-yuu have the desire to support their parents and help them to be happy and happy.
parents and to help them achieve contentment and happiness. If this is not possible
they will at least want to avoid causing problems for their parents or publicly embarrassing them.
embarrass them publicly.
You will have to accept and appreciate the importance that Gàt-dtan-yuu has in Thai society.
and learn to appreciate it. You must make sure that your relationship with your girlfriend never
with this goal; otherwise you will most likely lose out. It
is important for your relationship that you understand Gàt-dtan-yuu and all its
its many subtle implications. After all, her parents will probably move in with you
move in with you one day. The full story can be found in Chapter 4, “The Parents”.

Higher and lower social rank
How do you feel about someone being showered with respect simply because of their age, profession, inherited wealth
or the family they were born into, is showered with respect. If you think like most
most other Westerners, you probably won't think that the person in question deserves your
respect, unless you get to know that person and find something about them that makes them deserve that respect.
respect themselves.
What if your boss at work, your teacher at school, a police officer or your mother-in-law at home
mother-in-law at home patronises you, shuts you out or ignores what you say?
Unless you are in the military, it is highly likely that you will always be annoyed when
someone treats you like they have a higher position. It will probably even make you
uncomfortable when someone else bows to you and looks up to you. These scenarios, which we
Westerners are most likely to summarise under the negatively charged terms ‘blind respect’ or ‘pulling rank’
are completely normal for a Thai.
This goes so far that many Thais are actually convinced that they are part of a natural and beneficial system for all
system that is beneficial to everyone and that gives society as a whole its cohesion. Whether you like it or not
or not, the entire Thai universe is strictly hierarchical. Each person has a
rank in relation to other people or groups of people, even if these ranks are not clearly defined.
firmly defined. This goes so far that even some objects have a rank in relation to other objects.
Thais are taught from childhood to show respect to people of higher categories. Thus
For example, people bow (wâai) to their parents, older family members, teachers and monks,
members of the royal family - even if you don't know them personally - in order to pay their respects.
role as educators, transmitters of knowledge and morals or in terms of their contributions to society.

This sense of hierarchy is deeply rooted in Thai society. High and low, superior
and inferior permeates both language and culture. For Thais, this is quite natural, but you
Westerners will have to get used to it, as it affects the way you treat your partner's family members or your servants.
your partner's family members or your servants and even your children.
children. As we will see below, in Thai you can't even say ‘I’, ‘you’, ‘he’
or ‘they’ in Thai without assigning yourself to a superior or subordinate position.
Even body parts have a hierarchy. The highest part of the body, the head, is regarded as the most sacred
part, and a Thai will feel uncomfortable if you touch his head or sit on a cushion that is actually
a cushion that is actually intended for the head. The lowest part of the body, the feet, are considered the
The lowest part of the body, the feet, are regarded as the base and it is considered very offensive to point at things or people with them. Even inanimate
things are also assigned a rank in the Thai world. For example, a Thai will not place a pair of shoes
shoes on top of a pile of books, for example, as the shoes are classed as ‘low’ and the books as ‘high’.
high’. For the same reason, the Thai will also avoid walking under a washing line
under a washing line with socks or underwear hanging from it.

Another important piece of etiquette: when your girlfriend is around her in-laws or older family members, she will endeavour to keep her head
family members, she will endeavour to keep her head at a lower or at most the same height as their heads.
level with their heads. For this purpose, she may sit down, possibly even
on the floor (if her relatives are sitting in chairs), or crouch down when sitting or standing. You
should show similar signs of respect to her relatives (even if some relatives
may not expect this from you as a Westerner).

However, this puts us Westerners in an apparent dilemma: many of us tower over our friends' relatives even when we are sitting down.
even when we are sitting down. So how can we fulfil this requirement?
fulfil this requirement? The answer is that it is the gesture of deference that counts. When the relatives see that
we are making an effort to show them respect (by sitting on the floor, for example, or, to drive the point home
head to drive the point home), they will be overjoyed even if your head is higher than theirs.
head is higher than theirs. Whatever you do, if you are very tall, never stand right next to one of your
of your relatives and talk down to them from above. If you make someone look up steeply at you,
they will feel humiliated but probably won't show it because, as a Thai, they will always endeavour to avoid confrontation.
always endeavour to avoid confrontation. Just take a step back, sit down, crouch or kneel as a sign of respect.
or kneel as a sign of respect.

A Thai word that men use for ‘me’ when they speak respectfully is phom, which is also the word for ‘hair’.
is also the word for ‘hair’: you have to imagine a Thai man crawling in front of the king
king (as was customary only a hundred years ago) and always having to keep his hair below the king's
the king's feet as a sign of ultimate respect; although the word is in common use today, it still retains the
Although the word is in common use today, the idea of ‘high-low’ still clings to it.

Titles and reverence
In contrast to large parts of the Western world, where they tend to be met with suspicion, titles
and visible signs of respect are an integral part of the Thai language, customs and habits.
habits. Thais use titles and marks of honour to show their respect for people of higher rank.
persons of higher rank. The level of deference even increases to someone who has done you a favour; it represents a
favour; it is a small opportunity to perform sam-nük-bun-khun, as we described above.
When a Thai girl speaks in her mother tongue, she is offered several versions of the pronouns ‘I’ and ‘me’.
versions of the pronouns ‘I’, ‘you’, ‘he’, ‘she’ etc., which she can use depending on whether she feels superior or inferior to her counterpart.
higher or lower status to her counterpart. She will use the respectful pronouns for higher-ranking persons
even if this person has never done anything for them or even done bad things to them.

This is not because she would fear punishment if she behaved differently, but because her self-esteem would suffer.
One of the first things you will notice when travelling in Thailand is the wâai, the gesture with folded hands
hands, which is used throughout Thai society to greet, thank and say goodbye.
is used throughout Thai society. It takes a while for Westerners to realise that the wâai means much more than an ordinary ‘hello’.
ordinary ‘hello’. The wâai is not usually used between equals. Thais
use the wâai to recognise their responsibility to show respect to people above them, or to show
respect, or to show gratitude to someone who has done them a favour (um
Sam-nük-bun-kun, as described above). For example, a Thai will honour a
a teacher or a monk they have never seen before with a wâai to show respect for their role as a teacher.
role as a teacher. Teachers and monks impart valuable knowledge to
knowledge and therefore deserve respect. The showing of reverence generates additional naam-jai in the
the superior person so that they are further motivated to do something for the subordinate person.
In this way, the system keeps itself alive.
Some Westerners oppose the Thai ranking system and see it as a kind of spoilt anachronism that should be
anachronism that should be ‘modernised away’. Although one can find arguments in favour of both sides,
you should think carefully about whether the people you are campaigning for are better off with or without the turmoil.

Never confront - always save face
A very un-Western but very important aspect of Thai culture is saving face.
face. Thais avoid questioning someone else's motives (especially those of a superior person) or the extent of their naam-jai.
person) or the extent of their naam-jai. A Thai woman derives great self-esteem
self-esteem from keeping a ‘cool heart’ (jai-yen) and a respectful attitude even when dealing with someone,
when dealing with someone who she believes has intentionally or unintentionally done something bad to her.
done something bad to her. Shouting and waving your hands around in the event of an argument
is considered shameful: Thais themselves resort to it as a last resort, and Westerners who do it
Westerners who do so only cause disgust and lose points. Thais attach much greater importance to
orderliness in their dealings with each other and on maintaining a peaceful surface of their society.
society. Avoiding confrontation and saving face is sometimes more important than telling the
than telling the truth, which is rarely the case in the West.

Thais often express the fact that they don't like someone indirectly, typically by
gossiping about that person and complaining about them to others (which is fine as it is not a direct confrontation).
this is not a direct confrontation). If all goes well, such a third person will then
will then in turn hint to the person that they have done something wrong (Thai people call this ‘tender speech’).
For example, let's say you are arguing with your Thai wife because she would like to have children
but you think it's too early for that. You have discussed the matter privately with each other,
but it looks like you can't come to an agreement on the issue. Then one day
her aunts or cousins might approach you with a nice chat. They will start
start with a ‘small talk’ about seemingly trivial matters, which will then slowly but surely develop into
to nosy questions and strange comments about how manly and virile you are.
you are. Then they might mention that your wife recently had a nasty migraine attack and that they are
convinced that the cause must be loneliness and depression.
You'll have to hear a few things about her attitude to health issues and her basic philosophy of life.
philosophy of life, and you'll end up with something like:

‘The company of small children would certainly cure this migraine. It's just an idea. . .’
The words are consistently positive and, on the surface, not confrontational, but behind them
the real message that was passed on through the chain and the origin of this message.
origin of that message. When this happens to you, you may have the impression of being patronised.
being patronised. You may feel as if outsiders are invading your private relationship.
intruding into your private relationship. You may even feel angry with your wife for her lack of openness towards you.
towards you. In contrast, a typical Thai husband, whether positive or negative about the message, will not take offence.
negative, will find nothing offensive about this approach. For him, his wife's
his wife's relatives are not ‘outsiders’ and the private sphere of their relationship goes beyond the mere
the mere togetherness between him and his wife. At the very least, he will appreciate the fact that his wife
wife and her family have endeavoured to avoid direct confrontation and hurting his feelings.
Sometimes a Thai person will simply choose not to express their dissatisfaction at all.
not express their dissatisfaction at all. Many Westerners believe that problems and conflicts must be dealt with openly
either to reach a solution or just to get rid of it!

 Many Thais, on the other hand, believe that it is pointless to complain or try to change others. They believe
that sometimes it is healthier to just accept things as they are and be at peace with the world
and that the annoyance will slowly disappear by itself.
Striving to avoid confrontation has obvious consequences for your relationship: your partner will be
Your partner will be very reluctant to bring up issues that might put you in a bad
reflect badly on you, even when the two of you are alone together. She may also not
be prepared for your Western-style openness. Westerners often resort to sarcasm to defuse a situation
Westerners often resort to sarcasm to defuse a situation with some potential for controversy, but this would shock and unnerve a Thai.
As expected, this ‘don't ask, don't complain’ attitude prevents both partners from ever knowing about each other.
know how the other is feeling. Yes, she may smile and always say ‘Everything's fine
fine’, even if she is unhappy inside. You could one day find yourself in a big
dilemma when this pent-up unhappiness spills over and comes to light. The
Westerners, whose sensational cases are documented in popular novels,
often ended up with one less part of their anatomy or were even found dead.

This really doesn't have to happen, especially if you are able to understand the origin of your girlfriend's or wife's shyness and reticence.
shyness and reticence of your girlfriend or wife. Whenever you notice the
slightest bit of hesitation, and even sometimes when you don't notice anything, you should gently
but persistently ask her if everything is okay. You need to make it clear to her that you really want to know how
how she is doing and that you won't be offended no matter what she says. You will eventually be able to get her true
feelings and you should be able to make her happier.
She may have already been sending you signals that you haven't noticed. As a Westerner, you are no doubt
used to being mercilessly teased about your height, hairy legs, etc.
etc. Sometimes your girlfriend uses this kind of fun (puut-Ien) as a means of expressing her
repressed feelings in a way that she thinks will allow you both to save face,
save face. Thais call this ‘half-joke, half-genuine, (puut-tii-Ien-tii-jing). Provided
you usually converse in English, she may sometimes call you ‘stinky’ and is now starting to make it sound
more and more like ‘stingy’, at the same time laughing about it as if it meant nothing.

When the fun starts to sound serious to you
serious to you, then maybe something is bothering her and she is trying to make herself understood in this unique
Thai way of trying to make herself understood. Take the hint and investigate the matter
calmly but thoroughly using the method described above.
The desire to avoid confrontation and the desire to consider the other person's feelings
(greeng-jai), has another effect that you will notice every day. Whenever your lover
arranges any kind of group outing with her friends, they will play a silly game of
game of deference in which they dance around each other and say to each other
- ‘Suit yourself.’ - ‘Whenever it suits you.’ - ‘Explain the plan to me.’

In the end, none of the parties involved will dare to propose a plan for fear of inconveniencing the others.
inconvenience to others. Sometimes the planned event does not materialise at all, or only
late, or it turns into something completely different from what was originally planned. The Thais are not the least bit surprised or
frustrated by this in the slightest. Although, from a Western point of view, this is much more unpleasant
than if someone were to simply take heart and make a decision about a plan, the Thais do not
Thai people don't see it that way - they are mainly interested in not wanting to be the one
who does not take the feelings of others into account. This greeng-jai game can be extremely annoying for western
extremely annoying for western husbands. Make sure your Thai partner reads this book. Perhaps
this will help her to consider your feelings too!

How are bad intentions punished?
This presentation of Thai culture sounds very simple and naive in a ‘Star Trek’-like way.
naive way. Any Western reader is bound to think that abuse is inevitable in this system.
is pre-programmed. If there is no social mechanism that regulates the balance of give and take
between people, and if the mores forbid confronting a person who does not show naam-jai
naam-jai, what is to stop the individual from taking as much as he can get?
The answer is that the societal pressure to show naam-jai is so strong that almost everyone is driven by their
driven to do so by their own need for self-esteem. The rest, who are stingy or scroungers
or exploiters are not confronted by other Thais about their behaviour, but no one does them any favours either.
but no one does them any favours either. Nothing in Thai culture forbids talking about these
people and their lack of naam-jai in private or in public. They will very soon
have no friends left. The only notable exception to this is, as mentioned above,
that children must take care of their parents in any case, regardless of whether they behave honourably or dishonourably.

Telling the truth vs. saving face
Telling the truth is also a virtue in Thailand, but it is not as important as saving face
of those for whom Thai people feel respect or sam-nük-bun-khun.
Many Thais clearly believe that there is such a thing as a ‘noble lie’ and are able to tell one with a minimum of fuss.
able to tell one with a minimum of guilt if it helps them or someone they owe respect,
or someone to whom they owe respect to avoid confrontation or hurt feelings. Furthermore
Furthermore, other Thais will generally respect the decision to lie if it helps a third person to save face.
third person to save face. Depending on where and how you were raised, you may find it difficult to accept this in your relationship,
accept this in your relationship. If you and your partner have both read this book,
you will hopefully come to a better understanding of each other.

In our experience, such lies almost always lead to even more trouble. Everyone must distrust everyone in all
mistrust everyone on all sensitive issues. Each player must ask themselves: - ‘Are they telling me this to protect someone else?’
- ‘Should I be greeng-jai to them by pretending to believe them to avoid confrontation and not embarrass them?
avoid confrontation and not embarrass them?’ - ‘Or were they telling the truth?’
This is the main and entirely justifiable reason why Thai life looks so much like a soap opera to Westerners.
Thai life looks so much like a soap opera to Westerners. We understand that someone for whom saving the face of
face of people he respects and sam-nük-bun-khun means a lot, will make up an outlandish story for no reason at all.
but for the relationship of Thai-Western couples, such lies are usually more harmful than helpful.
Western couples are usually more harmful than helpful.

There is no privacy!
If you live in Thailand, you must realise that you are in a society that has almost no concept of Western privacy.
concept of Western privacy. Thais cram themselves onto buses, trains and the backs of pick-up
and the backs of pick-ups and lorries without the slightest concern for the personal space of others.
personal space, and you will undoubtedly get closer to your Thai family than you have ever
you ever wished for once you join one of their family outings. Thais sincerely believe
that no one in the world ever wants to be alone. If they don't ‘keep you company’ around the clock
you around the clock, they feel like bad hosts. Your Thai family will pester you with questions about personal details
details such as your age, salary and bank balance.
Thais do not see such questions as intrusive. You can politely explain that you are too shy to answer these questions,
to answer these questions. In some cases (for example, when asking about your bank account balance)
Thai people are just trying to give you the opportunity to show off your wealth and status.
to show off your wealth and status. Many Thai men in your position would appreciate this opportunity.
A common and inoffensive form of Thai humour is to make fun of your height, your weight, your hairy limbs, or your size,
your hairy limbs or your big nose, or even to laugh at you

Comparison of both value systems
Neither system can be objectively said to be better than the other. In both cases they are
both are self-perpetuating systems that guarantee social order and give people satisfaction.
people satisfaction. However, since you are reading this book, you probably know that they do not always
not always compatible in a mixed form. Now that you know about the basics of
Thai and Western value systems, the remaining chapters are intended to serve as a specific
specific guide and warning sign in those areas that tend to cause the most cultural clashes between romantically involved
cultural clashes between romantically involved Thais and Westerners.